Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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