So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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