I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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