I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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