i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
