he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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