My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
