If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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