someone get that fucking seahorse.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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