I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
