I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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