Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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