I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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