when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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