I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
