So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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