tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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