How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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