i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
