i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
