remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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