don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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