I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
why is half of my head shaved?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
