Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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