Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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