her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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