Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
