I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
