I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
