You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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