Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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