Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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