dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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