A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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