Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
