I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Drake has all the answers
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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