Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
