just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
