Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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