I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Come see our sink grown plant.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
