did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
