Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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