would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
