Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
