Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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