I wish life had little blips of pornography
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
