he was CRYING into my vagina
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
