I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize