I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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