Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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