So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
