i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
