There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize