I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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