I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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