The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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