4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Randomize
