I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize