You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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