I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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