I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I smell stomach acid.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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