I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
