I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Four minutes until I can fart!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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