What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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