Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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