god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
