guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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